


His Anxiety

by Maeglin_Yedi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:52:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeglin_Yedi/pseuds/Maeglin_Yedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has a visitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: PG  
> Characters, Harry, Remus. Gen.   
> Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to JK Rowling, that lucky woman. 
> 
> Summary: Harry has a visitor.
> 
> A/N: written for the Worst Nightmare Challenge.
> 
> Thanks to Snapetoy for looking it over!
> 
> Word count: 1394  
> First published: February 2004

The knocking on the door doesn't stop, and Harry slinks back further into the shadows of the large bookcase in his living room. Beside him, Sirius lets out a low growl, affected by his master's fear and suspicious of the one who is standing on their doorstep. 

"Don't leave me, Sirius," Harry whispers, running his trembling hand up and down the coarse fur of Sirius' neck. 

But Sirius can't deny his instinct of protecting his territory, his master, even if that means going against his master's commands. He takes a step away from the one who needs protection, preparing to attack the one who needs to be chased away, when more knocks rap against the wood. 

"Harry? Are you in there?"

Harry can't breathe. His lungs are full of fear and his throat constricts around every hex that pops into his mind to throw at the person who is out there, trying to get inside his house. 

He knows that voice, he _knows_ that person didn't come to hurt him or ridicule him or expect something of him, but there's too much anxiety inside of him to let that knowledge stop him from trembling and he wishes that person would just go away and leave him the hell alone. 

_It's safe alone. No one can hurt you when you're alone. No one can leave you when you're alone._

"Harry?"

Sirius starts to bark, low growls rising up from his chest and mixing with the furious warnings thrown at the stranger who is threatening his master. He flashes his teeth at the closed door, hackles raised and legs stiff. 

Harry wishes he were invisible, that he hadn't lost his cloak during the final battle, that he could slip it around himself and just _disappear_ where no one can find him, no one can hurt him, no one can tell him how to lead his life. 

_Just leave me. Please, just leave me alone._

"Harry, I'm coming in. _Alohomora_."

Sirius leaps as the door swings open, and the shadowy figure on the doorstep stumbles back in surprise. 

"Sirius, no!"

Harry finds his voice again, because no matter how much he wants that person to leave, he doesn't want to see that person hurt because of him. 

_So many people hurt because of him. So many people dead because of him. All hurt and dead and lost. All because of him._

Eyeing the stranger suspiciously, Sirius growls and trots back to his master, pressing his shoulder protectively against his master's thigh. Harry reaches down to stroke his head, and Sirius presses his muzzle against his master's hand, offering comfort only a dog can.

"Can I come in, Harry?"

_It's too late now. They're here. Too late to run. Too late to fight. Too late to hide. They're here for him._

"Yes. Hello, Remus." Harry steps away from the bookcase, Sirius still pressed against his leg and he's grateful for the contact, grateful that he's not completely alone facing this phantom from his past. 

"You got a dog," Remus says, crossing the threshold. He gives Harry a smile, and then crouches down, offering his outstretched hand to Sirius, who looks at it suspiciously. 

"Yeah. This is...um...Sirius," Harry whispers, giving Sirius a gentle nudge into Remus' direction. He watches his dog, his one-year-old black German Shepherd sniff Remus' hand. His purebred German Shepherd. There's irony in there somewhere, but Harry hasn't been able to find it yet. 

"Hello, Sirius. Nice to meet you." Remus scratches Sirius' ears, and Sirius seems fascinated with Remus' scent, sniffing the man's face extensively. "How are you, Harry?"

_The mask! Put on the mask! They mustn't see you. You can't show them what's truly there._

"I'm fine, thank you. Care for some tea?" Harry sums the words up, drilled into him by the many lessons Aunt Petunia has given him on etiquette. 

"That would be lovely, thanks."

Harry flees to the kitchen, Sirius on his heels, and when the door falls shut behind him, he gasps for air and bends over the sink, dry retches hurling up from his stomach. 

He grabs a glass from the counter, fills it with water, uncaring as it sloshes over his hand, and drains it in one big gulp. 

_Calm down. You have to calm down. You have to pretend you're okay. It's the only way they will leave you alone._

As he goes about making tea, automatic motions that don't need orchestrating from his mind, Harry feels grateful that it's Remus this time. Remus didn't ask him all those unanswerable questions why he refused to open the door, like Hermione did. Remus didn't look at him like he'd completely lost his mind, like Ron did. Remus didn't question his new friend Sirius, like Neville did.

_You have to get out, Harry. This isn't healthy, Harry. You're too young to waste your life away, Harry. You're insane, Harry._

Remus looks up at him from the couch as Harry enters the living room, balancing the tray on his hands. He pours two cups of tea, careful not to spill, and Remus thanks him with a curt nod of his head. Harry settles on the other end of the couch, sipping his tea and wishing Remus wouldn't look at him like that. With eyes that know, with eyes that understand, with eyes that are far too friendly to be looking at Harry. 

_They're looking at you. They're all looking at you, and they are seeing you. Don't let them see you._

Harry quickly averts his gaze, and stares down at Sirius, who is lying near his feet. 

"Everyone is worried about you," Remus says conversationally. 

"I'm fine."

"I'm worried about you." Remus leans back in the couch, eyes searching for something Harry doesn't want him to find. 

"I'm _fine_."

_Stop. Please, stop._

Remus gives him a knowing smile, but Harry doesn't want him to know. "Your friends just want to see you happy, Harry. And now with the war over and most of the threats gone, they expected you to make something out of your life."

_You have to go back to the Dursleys, Harry. You have to move on, Harry. You have to fight, Harry. You have to kill him, Harry._

"I like my life the way it is just fine, thanks," Harry says stiffly, and it sounds surprisingly convincing. It is the truth, after all. 

_It's my life. Mine. Not theirs. Not anymore._

"I know you do." Remus sips his tea, and Harry watches him from the corner of his eye, wishing he would just shut up or go away or both. "They miss you, Harry."

"I write to them as often as I can."

_It's safe. Writing is safe. They can't see you, they can't judge you, they can't tell you what to do._

"Yes, but it's not the same as being with your friends, now is it?" Remus looks at Harry as if he expects an answer, but Harry doesn't want to give it to him, because he knows Remus won't like it. 

_It's better than being with them. It's safer._

"I miss you," Remus says quietly, and leans towards Harry, who stiffens. "I want you to be happy."

There's a hand on his knee now. 

A hand. On his knee. 

_No, no, no, don't touch me. Please, don't touch me, please._

"I'm happy," Harry lies, his voice wavering as he stares down at the hand on his knee as if it's burning him. 

_It is burning him._

"Good." Remus gets up, and Harry lets out a silent sigh as the hand slips off his leg. "I'll come by again next week. Same time. Does that suit you?"

_No._

"That's fine." Harry walks Remus to the door, and watches as Remus pets Sirius one last time. Then Remus opens the door, and turns to look at Harry. 

"Take care. I'll see you next week."

"Goodbye, Remus." Harry watches as Remus disappears around a corner, and then closes the door, locking it against the world. The breaths he's been having trouble taking try to make their way into his lungs all at the same time, and he pants as he leans his forehead against the closed door, hands spread out beside his head, reaching for something that isn't there anymore. 

He's alone again. Like he wants to be. 

_Please don't leave me. Please._

 

~~fin~~


End file.
